Voila!

Today I learned the perfect way to make synthetic cat puke.

Simply microwave oatmeal and milk too long.

Voila!

Handshake Question

There's so much you can assume of a man by his handshake.  Some people think they will have them all figured out and cement their first impressions based on the firmness of that meeting grip.

My question is, is what can you assume from a handshake with a woman?  Do you place those same internal accusations on a female?  Are you even supposed to shake a woman's hand?  Does the whole system of judgement get reversed, or completely thrown off the bus?

Procrastination

I consider myself to be fairly responsible and proactive, yet I have always suffered somewhat from procrastination.

Case in point is not the fact that we still haven't finished our 'thank you' cards from our wedding, but the fact that I still have remnants of the 'just married' paint stuck to the shitty exterior of my shitty car.

Note:  I was married June 23rd, 2013.

Tom Hanks

I must have ate something my body didn't agree with.

For the past 24 hours my stomach has felt like a Tom Hanks movie.  Very gripping and moving, but it will probably have a happy ending.

Bigfoot

This weekend my wife and I attended the annual Bigfoot Hunt in Elliston Montana.  It was the first time we've ever gone to this, and for those of you who are not familiar with the Bigfoot Hunt, it is essentially 500 drunk people who clamber around in the pitch black woods looking for a man hiding in a gorilla suit.

It takes place on a ten acre property a few miles from the Lawdog Saloon.  This year he was found in about thirty five minutes.  Then, around a fifty foot bonfire, the largest snowball fight I've ever witnessed commenced.  Watching the snowballs fly through the wall of flames was a sight to behold.

If you ever have the chance to attend this event, I earnestly reccomend it.

Recipes and Education

I liken following a recipe while cooking, to my short stint at Computer Engineering in higher education.

1/2 cup of this class
1Tbsp of this textbook
3 cups of mathematics
4 quarts of monotony

Mix and stir.

Bake in the oven for exactly 4 years.

Let stand in this job for 40 years.

You now have a job as a Computer Tech.

Serves 1.

The way I was taught to cook by a wise mentor doesn't follow recipes, but rather uses them as a rough guideline, letting experience and creativity fill the gaps.  This more fittingly reminds me of the Creative Writing program from which I graduated.

Assemble your ingredients (your choosing)
Add pinches of this and gobs of that
Throw in a little 'whatever you're feeling'
Cook till it looks done
Enjoy whatever it is you've created, and share it with whoever you would like.

Thank you Robert.

Tricks

My mind played a little trick on me yesterday.  After eating my ritual toasted ham and egg samdwich, and drinking my ritual two cups off coffee, I loaded into my crappy car and headed to work.

I turned up the new CD I ordered, and as I buzzed down the interstate I pondered my blog...

"Did you write something today?" I asked myself.

Thinking about it as I listened to the song, 'When Kindness Fails' by Joe Ely, I concluded that I had.

I couldn't remember what I had written, but was pretty sure I tapped out something on my smartphone keys.

This morning, curious to see what it was that I had written and couldn't remember, I am not all that surprised to discover that I was mistaken.

Dark Light

Have you ever seen

the Dark Light?

Shining from within,

specks of dust float,

through its blackened beams.

Clear as silence,

the Dark Light,

guides you to nowhere.

It is as unilluminated

as a frustration,

as a hunger,

as a dream you can't remember.

Hunting Bullets

One of my biggest excitements in moving back home is the opportunity to get back into the family activity of hunting.  Listed below, and pun intended, is a bulleted list of reasons why.

- Spending time with my brother.

- Getting outdoors in unfamiliar locations.

- The prospect of a freezer full of meat to play with.

- The prospect of a new trophy to display.

- An excuse to buy a new gun.

Spring Cleaning

As the snow recedes and the green blossoms, Springtime settles into the Helena Valley.  An extra hour of sunlight is ours in the afternoons.  This means Spring cleaning is right around the corner.

Last night, I had a dream where I was attempting to clean out my Father's garage.  In my dream, I removed about a dozen old bicycles to uncover a small hydraulic scissor-lift.  I used the lift to access the rafters (the garage had rafters in my dream).  Up there I discovered a family of small black kittens.

Then I woke up.

The thing is, is that this scenario probably doesn't lie too far outside the realm of possibility.

Rainy Day Monday

Blue morning, Grey Day,

something got you down?

Rainy Day Monday,

emotions coming down.

New Day, Green Valley,

snow pack melting down.

Blue Monday, Blue Day,

put your weekend down.

St. Clair Flood Watch

As Prickly Pear Creek flows high through East Helena from excessive snowfall followed by brisk warm weather, flooding has occured and will potentially continue to occur.  Our block is adjacent to the houses hit worst yesterday.

Never to worry though, my Uncle Arnold and myself have established the St. Clair Flood Watch.  I call him, he calls me, we keep it updated.

Current update:  'Call Uncle Arnold if any new updates happen.'

Shards of Glass

I've always found a sincere natural representation of beauty in shards of glass.

Micrometer sharp and completely smooth, the contours form instantly and precisely when glass is shattered.

Whether it be a millions of years old hunk of obsidian lying in some forgotten field, or some drunks tumbler of scotch smashed on a barroom floor, the effect is the same.

Simultaneously as dangerous as it is beautiful, broken glass is an amazing candidate for the duality of Nature.  Something that must be carefully managed, as it is swept up off the floor or picked up keen-fully and fastened to the end of spear.

Test of Manhood

Sometimes, when I'm driving in the rain, I feel a true test of my manhood is having my wiper-blades set as slow as possible.

Then when I drive behind a huge truck with wipers going full blast, I think, "pussy..."

Cartographer

I once knew a man who was going to a school of higher education in pursuit of a degree in Cartography.

"Don't they pretty much have it all mapped out these days?" I asked.

"Yea, for the most part," he replied.

"So is there much demand for cartographers anymore?" I asked.

"Oh yes, very high demand," he replied.

"Are you mapping the depths of the oceans, or perhaps outer-space?" I asked.

"You sure do ask a lot of questions," he replied.  "And no, we aim to remap the Earth more efficiently."

"They have Google Earth available for free on the internet," I said.  "Total satellite imagery of the entire planet."

"Is my pizza ready yet?" he asked.

Very Adult

I can honestly say that I am looking forward to going to the dentist.

It has been at least seven years since my last visit, and in one month I will have dental insurance for both my wife and myself. 

How very adult.

Huckleberry Anything

In Montana, we have the option of buying huckleberry flavored anything.  Tea, chocolate, beer, soap, bbq-sauce, hot-sauce, etc etc.

I'm currently drinking my first ever cup of huckleberry coffee.

Honestly, it's not that great.  Berry infusions don't need to get into certain aspects of our lives.

I don't see myself ever buying huckleberry scotch, huckleberry ammo, or huckleberry coffee again.