All crimes committed were legally negligible, ethically unoffending, and by no means indictable in a court of law. No persons or sentient animals (beyond the mental capacity of 4 trout (all of which survived) and 1 walleye (deceased)) were harmed during my living of these past 312 hours. In addition there were no objects of legally recognized property (aside from two coffee mugs (one christmasy, one futuristic) and mankind's champagne supply) damaged, burglarized, vandalized, or in any way set fire to, removed from proper ownership, or illegally broadcast over 2-meter amateur radio; nor was any offense directed toward public policy or morality in either physical or verbal modus operandi that would be worth documenting for use against me in a small claims court or the Supreme Court; nor was there any conspiracy to commit crime or inspire a conspiracy to incite a crime that would result in criminal conspiracy to incite a crime; nor further were there any lasting damages suffered upon the planet Earth as it exists as a sensitive amalgamation of geo-formations, bio-organic habitatry (habitatry (hab-i-tat-ree) is not a real word), and systemic climactic structures that would permanently alter the global dynamo (assuming that our planet has been ravaged to a point of insensitivity by centuries of human expansion).
There was however 1 cat removed from the windshield of my 2001 Daewoo Nubira (again no animals were harmed during my living of these past now 313 hours) via wiper blades while the the vehicle was in motion; a general elevation of volumes outputting from my voice, apartment, and overall adjacent vicinity during New Year's Eve from neural and electrical breakdowns caused by imprudent consumption of champagne; an excessive discharge of Buzz Bee Air Blaster's brand foam dart weaponry; an irritating but not illegal chatter transmitted over 2-meter amateur radio frowned upon by the FCC (by no means punishable (though stern lecturing from anonymous local Ham Operators was reported) or feasibly traceable); a failure to spend a week with the woman I love who was enjoying a week off from work (because I was on some sort of anti-vacation where I could only be at work all day and night); and a disgusting amount of tobacco cigarette consumption (for someone who has allegedly quit smoking).
Foremost and sternly mentioned is a first degree conviction of letting two weeks elapse without writing.
Judgement will be carried out swiftly and painlessly.
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